Transcript of a (totally fictitious and satirical) GWR Executive meeting
GWR Executive meeting #1
[A boardroom. A self-imposed (white, male) VIP heads the table. Two aspiring (white, male) clones sit to one side, facing a smartly dressed but out-of-place gentleman of indeterminate ethnicity.]
Snr Exec 1: So, gentlemen, let me open the meeting, please. We have a new junior member joining us today, you will see. I take it you will be taking the minutes of the meeting, Mr…?
Thornton: Hello, my name is Thornton. Oliver Thornton. I’ve been contracted in…
Snr Exec 1: Yes, yes, we’ll come to that, Thornton. For now, please note that the meeting convened at 11:00, and that being the inaugural meeting as GWR, there are no prior minutes to approve. Everyone in agreement? [Two heads nod] Excellent.
Snr Exec 2: I do have an appointment immediately after this. May I request we begin promptly? Perhaps our new secretary can be so good as to remind us of the aims of this meeting?
Thornton: Gentlemen…
Snr Exec 1: Are you aware I have a title?
Thornton: Yes, you are Sir {double-barrelled ignoramus}
Snr Exec 1: Correct. Though you may call me ‘Sir’.
Thornton: With respect, [pause] Sir, I am not the secretary. I have been specifically contracted in by the board to assist with various issues that the company has been experiencing recently in regard to customer relations and adverse publicity. That is where my experience and expertise lay. And one aim of this meeting is to agree to the strategy of dealing with these ongoing concerns.
Snr Exec 1: Yes, I do recall your appointment now. Though I fail to see the requirement for your services if I am frank. The ‘concerns’ you refer to are anything but ongoing. We have the situation perfectly under control, Thorncroft.
Thornton: It’s Thornton, Sir. May I ask if you are completely aware of the scope of the problem?
Snr Exec 3: Allow me, to interject here, Sir {double-barrelled ignoramus}. I deal with issues arising out of customer relations and feedback, after all. [Clears his throat] It appears that some unavoidable delays in a few of our services upset some of our regulars. They felt that we somehow held a monopoly over certain rail transport routes, and they were generally…. Somewhat dissatisfied.
Thornton: I understood the situation to be a little more severe than this.
Snr Exec 1: [Mutters] The public do love to make a fuss over trivialities.
Thornton: I believe they were petitioning fellow passengers to make a customer boycott of your services, or possibly even deliberately board trains without valid tickets.
Snr Exec 3: You see? Planned, deliberate illegal activities. You do know that it is an offence to travel without a valid ticket, I take it?
Thornton: Their complaint was that a disproportionate percentage of services were delayed or cancelled at little or no notice. They labelled the company ‘Late Great Western’, a play on the actual company name of First Great Western. The press were eagerly picking up on the name.
Snr Exec 1: We don’t need a history lesson, Mr…
Thornton: Thornton
Snr Exec 1: Thank you. Well we certainly don’t need a recent history lesson, at that. And hopefully, if you are earning your daily bread, you will be aware that we took immediate steps to counter this ridiculous and immature tarnishing of our corporate image!
Thornton: You’re clearly not referring to any radical overhaul of the entire infrastructure and nation-wide timetable, Sir.
Snr Exec 1: [Throws his hands in the air] Of course I am bloody not! Do you have any idea of how complex, costly and time consuming that would have been? [laughs]
Snr Exec 3: [laughs] Imagine! No, no. We resolved to a far more rational and practical approach, which, as my esteemed colleague hinted at a moment ago, makes me question the requirement for your services at all.
Thornton: You are referring to the change of company name?
Snr Exec 1: [Bangs the table] Precisely! Dropped the whole ‘First’ bit entirely. My idea of course, but fully supported by my colleagues here.
Snr Exec 2: [Leans forward excitedly] Don’t forget that we added ‘Railway’ on too!
Snr Exec 3: And a masterstroke of yours that was too, if you ask for my opinion. [Snr Exec 2 gives a dismissive wave of his hand, and a wink]
Snr Exec 1: And yet we still do ourselves a mis-service, gentlemen… [smiles smugly]
Snr Exec 3: How so?
Snr Exec 1: Why, you forget that we also altered our corporate colours!
Snr Exec 2: [Claps his hands] Yes, of course. Ditched the dull, common-place blue, and reinvigorate our entire image with a nostalgic shade of British Racing Green.
Thornton: [Runs a hand over his face] So may I ask, how has this impacted customer complaints?
Snr Exec 3: Well, last I checked, we currently have only one tenth of the complaints we received last year for a start.
Thornton: But we’re only in the first month of quarter one!
Snr Exec 1: You have surely not been hired to pick holes in our executive review, or to undermine our determination to amend the situation?
Thornton: [Takes a breath] I have been hired to advise you on how best to set things right. As you will be aware…
Snr Exec 2: And I’m sure we are!
Thornton: … Statistics can be read in many convenient ways. But if we…
Snr Exec 1: ‘We’, sir?
Thornton: GWR. If GWR are to be fully proactive regarding dealing with this level of customer dissatisfaction, we [sigh], you, simply must compare like for like.
[The three execs all exchange glances]
Snr Exec 1: Regardless of a few numerical statistics, I am satisfied that we can categorically demonstrate a high level of determined and constructive proactivity!
Thornton: One that will directly and positively impact your customers?
Snr Exec 3: Absolutely!
[Expectant pause]
Snr Exec 1: We have ordered new rolling stock!
Thornton: Excuse me?
Snr Exec 2: Trains, boy! New trains.
Thornton: And this will help with complaints regarding delays and cancellations how?
Snr Exec 1: Sometimes, there are bigger issues than delays, you know! It’s not all about running to a timetable and getting mummy and the boys home in time for tea and bloody cakes.
Thornton: I understood the delays to primarily come from regular businessmen and women, who commute on your services and rely upon them to get to and from work.
Snr Exec 1: Yes, but what do they know about image? Real, Corporate image?
Thornton: [Exasperated] I believe that is precisely what the customer strikes and boycotts were aimed at.
Snr Exec 3: Oh, Sir {double-barrelled ignoramus} is not talking about that. He means that we changed our corporate colours… and that the old trains were blue! So, we needed new ones, of course. Green ones!
Snr Exec 2: And we needed them to bear the new initials: ‘GWR’. Not much point going to all this effort without the new logo, old chap.
Thornton: [Talking as though to children] Change management is a vital part of such a transition. How did you go about ensuring that this change had a positive impact on your customers, as opposed to compounding their complaints?
Snr Exec 1: Listen, Thornback, we did not get to our current station in life by ignoring reality you know! I’ll have you know I used to travel on trains when I was a child. Used to love them. Not a patch on the Bentley, of course, and I haven’t set foot on one in years… But I can see how the common man will have such a requirement.
Snr Exec 3: I can personally confirm that we did look into customer feedback prior to signing contracts for new stock. Customers had been complaining they had falling asleep due to an inordinately high level of comfort on our old HSTs….
Snr Exec 1: You do know what an HST is, Thornchild?
Thornton: A High Speed Train, Sir. But I believe the description is a little generic. Surely your new trains are not slower than those they have replaced?
Snr Exec 3: [Rolls his eyes and shakes his head. Gives a deprecating tut.] Of course they are not slower! But we have ensured we have made changes which incorporate our customers’ complaints about falling asleep…
Thornton: Were those feedback responses genuinely complaints?
Snr Exec 1: Told you already, my lad – the public love to complain. Why on earth would they take the trouble to correspond with us if not to complain?
Snr Exec 3: Quite. So we had the seats all elevated to a much more upright pitch, and we drastically increased the level of lighting within the carriages. No more nodding off for our customers, sir! They can happily rest assured that whether it is an early morning commute, or a late-night return home, it will be all-but impossible for them to fall asleep!
Snr Exec 2: [Leans forward keenly] Don’t forget about the arm rests!
Snr Exec 1: Naturally. That’s all part of it. And so, Turncraft, being somewhat tall gentlemen ourselves, all over six foot three, we realised that people of tall stature like us would feel squashed in our old carriages. So we dropped the arm rests a fair way. Don’t want our customers all scrunched up now, do we?
Thornton: Can an average person even rest their arms on them?
Snr Exec 3: I should hope not! This also helps prevent them falling asleep too. We really did think of everything!
Snr Exec 2: Our bonus didn’t go unwarranted last year, I can assure you.
Thornton: [Studies his notes, looks up] So may I just clarify all of this this? In order to combat complaints of late-running and cancelled services, you changed the company name and the corporate colour? You further ordered new, er, ‘rolling stock’ to replace the perfectly serviceable blue HSTs, and you proactively and deliberately re-designed the ergonomic layout of the seating (and increased the lighting level) to positively prevent customers falling asleep?
Snr Exec 1: I believe he’s summed it up perfectly, eh?
Snr Exec 3: Absolutely. Though we still have some minor details to agree on yet, such as [refers to notes] the issue of the ‘Quite Carriage’, and public announcements.
Snr Exec 2: Quite. But not right now, old boy, eh? I do have a round of golf booked you know. We have spent almost thirty minutes on this, after all.
Snr Exec 1: Agreed. Meeting ended. This should give you plenty to work on I’d warrant, Thornly. I’ll get my PA to send out an invite to the follow up. Good day, gentlemen.
[All exit, except Thornton, who stares blankly at the closed door]
[A boardroom. A self-imposed (white, male) VIP heads the table. Two aspiring (white, male) clones sit to one side, facing a smartly dressed but out-of-place gentleman of indeterminate ethnicity.]
Snr Exec 1: So, gentlemen, let me open the meeting, please. We have a new junior member joining us today, you will see. I take it you will be taking the minutes of the meeting, Mr…?
Thornton: Hello, my name is Thornton. Oliver Thornton. I’ve been contracted in…
Snr Exec 1: Yes, yes, we’ll come to that, Thornton. For now, please note that the meeting convened at 11:00, and that being the inaugural meeting as GWR, there are no prior minutes to approve. Everyone in agreement? [Two heads nod] Excellent.
Snr Exec 2: I do have an appointment immediately after this. May I request we begin promptly? Perhaps our new secretary can be so good as to remind us of the aims of this meeting?
Thornton: Gentlemen…
Snr Exec 1: Are you aware I have a title?
Thornton: Yes, you are Sir {double-barrelled ignoramus}
Snr Exec 1: Correct. Though you may call me ‘Sir’.
Thornton: With respect, [pause] Sir, I am not the secretary. I have been specifically contracted in by the board to assist with various issues that the company has been experiencing recently in regard to customer relations and adverse publicity. That is where my experience and expertise lay. And one aim of this meeting is to agree to the strategy of dealing with these ongoing concerns.
Snr Exec 1: Yes, I do recall your appointment now. Though I fail to see the requirement for your services if I am frank. The ‘concerns’ you refer to are anything but ongoing. We have the situation perfectly under control, Thorncroft.
Thornton: It’s Thornton, Sir. May I ask if you are completely aware of the scope of the problem?
Snr Exec 3: Allow me, to interject here, Sir {double-barrelled ignoramus}. I deal with issues arising out of customer relations and feedback, after all. [Clears his throat] It appears that some unavoidable delays in a few of our services upset some of our regulars. They felt that we somehow held a monopoly over certain rail transport routes, and they were generally…. Somewhat dissatisfied.
Thornton: I understood the situation to be a little more severe than this.
Snr Exec 1: [Mutters] The public do love to make a fuss over trivialities.
Thornton: I believe they were petitioning fellow passengers to make a customer boycott of your services, or possibly even deliberately board trains without valid tickets.
Snr Exec 3: You see? Planned, deliberate illegal activities. You do know that it is an offence to travel without a valid ticket, I take it?
Thornton: Their complaint was that a disproportionate percentage of services were delayed or cancelled at little or no notice. They labelled the company ‘Late Great Western’, a play on the actual company name of First Great Western. The press were eagerly picking up on the name.
Snr Exec 1: We don’t need a history lesson, Mr…
Thornton: Thornton
Snr Exec 1: Thank you. Well we certainly don’t need a recent history lesson, at that. And hopefully, if you are earning your daily bread, you will be aware that we took immediate steps to counter this ridiculous and immature tarnishing of our corporate image!
Thornton: You’re clearly not referring to any radical overhaul of the entire infrastructure and nation-wide timetable, Sir.
Snr Exec 1: [Throws his hands in the air] Of course I am bloody not! Do you have any idea of how complex, costly and time consuming that would have been? [laughs]
Snr Exec 3: [laughs] Imagine! No, no. We resolved to a far more rational and practical approach, which, as my esteemed colleague hinted at a moment ago, makes me question the requirement for your services at all.
Thornton: You are referring to the change of company name?
Snr Exec 1: [Bangs the table] Precisely! Dropped the whole ‘First’ bit entirely. My idea of course, but fully supported by my colleagues here.
Snr Exec 2: [Leans forward excitedly] Don’t forget that we added ‘Railway’ on too!
Snr Exec 3: And a masterstroke of yours that was too, if you ask for my opinion. [Snr Exec 2 gives a dismissive wave of his hand, and a wink]
Snr Exec 1: And yet we still do ourselves a mis-service, gentlemen… [smiles smugly]
Snr Exec 3: How so?
Snr Exec 1: Why, you forget that we also altered our corporate colours!
Snr Exec 2: [Claps his hands] Yes, of course. Ditched the dull, common-place blue, and reinvigorate our entire image with a nostalgic shade of British Racing Green.
Thornton: [Runs a hand over his face] So may I ask, how has this impacted customer complaints?
Snr Exec 3: Well, last I checked, we currently have only one tenth of the complaints we received last year for a start.
Thornton: But we’re only in the first month of quarter one!
Snr Exec 1: You have surely not been hired to pick holes in our executive review, or to undermine our determination to amend the situation?
Thornton: [Takes a breath] I have been hired to advise you on how best to set things right. As you will be aware…
Snr Exec 2: And I’m sure we are!
Thornton: … Statistics can be read in many convenient ways. But if we…
Snr Exec 1: ‘We’, sir?
Thornton: GWR. If GWR are to be fully proactive regarding dealing with this level of customer dissatisfaction, we [sigh], you, simply must compare like for like.
[The three execs all exchange glances]
Snr Exec 1: Regardless of a few numerical statistics, I am satisfied that we can categorically demonstrate a high level of determined and constructive proactivity!
Thornton: One that will directly and positively impact your customers?
Snr Exec 3: Absolutely!
[Expectant pause]
Snr Exec 1: We have ordered new rolling stock!
Thornton: Excuse me?
Snr Exec 2: Trains, boy! New trains.
Thornton: And this will help with complaints regarding delays and cancellations how?
Snr Exec 1: Sometimes, there are bigger issues than delays, you know! It’s not all about running to a timetable and getting mummy and the boys home in time for tea and bloody cakes.
Thornton: I understood the delays to primarily come from regular businessmen and women, who commute on your services and rely upon them to get to and from work.
Snr Exec 1: Yes, but what do they know about image? Real, Corporate image?
Thornton: [Exasperated] I believe that is precisely what the customer strikes and boycotts were aimed at.
Snr Exec 3: Oh, Sir {double-barrelled ignoramus} is not talking about that. He means that we changed our corporate colours… and that the old trains were blue! So, we needed new ones, of course. Green ones!
Snr Exec 2: And we needed them to bear the new initials: ‘GWR’. Not much point going to all this effort without the new logo, old chap.
Thornton: [Talking as though to children] Change management is a vital part of such a transition. How did you go about ensuring that this change had a positive impact on your customers, as opposed to compounding their complaints?
Snr Exec 1: Listen, Thornback, we did not get to our current station in life by ignoring reality you know! I’ll have you know I used to travel on trains when I was a child. Used to love them. Not a patch on the Bentley, of course, and I haven’t set foot on one in years… But I can see how the common man will have such a requirement.
Snr Exec 3: I can personally confirm that we did look into customer feedback prior to signing contracts for new stock. Customers had been complaining they had falling asleep due to an inordinately high level of comfort on our old HSTs….
Snr Exec 1: You do know what an HST is, Thornchild?
Thornton: A High Speed Train, Sir. But I believe the description is a little generic. Surely your new trains are not slower than those they have replaced?
Snr Exec 3: [Rolls his eyes and shakes his head. Gives a deprecating tut.] Of course they are not slower! But we have ensured we have made changes which incorporate our customers’ complaints about falling asleep…
Thornton: Were those feedback responses genuinely complaints?
Snr Exec 1: Told you already, my lad – the public love to complain. Why on earth would they take the trouble to correspond with us if not to complain?
Snr Exec 3: Quite. So we had the seats all elevated to a much more upright pitch, and we drastically increased the level of lighting within the carriages. No more nodding off for our customers, sir! They can happily rest assured that whether it is an early morning commute, or a late-night return home, it will be all-but impossible for them to fall asleep!
Snr Exec 2: [Leans forward keenly] Don’t forget about the arm rests!
Snr Exec 1: Naturally. That’s all part of it. And so, Turncraft, being somewhat tall gentlemen ourselves, all over six foot three, we realised that people of tall stature like us would feel squashed in our old carriages. So we dropped the arm rests a fair way. Don’t want our customers all scrunched up now, do we?
Thornton: Can an average person even rest their arms on them?
Snr Exec 3: I should hope not! This also helps prevent them falling asleep too. We really did think of everything!
Snr Exec 2: Our bonus didn’t go unwarranted last year, I can assure you.
Thornton: [Studies his notes, looks up] So may I just clarify all of this this? In order to combat complaints of late-running and cancelled services, you changed the company name and the corporate colour? You further ordered new, er, ‘rolling stock’ to replace the perfectly serviceable blue HSTs, and you proactively and deliberately re-designed the ergonomic layout of the seating (and increased the lighting level) to positively prevent customers falling asleep?
Snr Exec 1: I believe he’s summed it up perfectly, eh?
Snr Exec 3: Absolutely. Though we still have some minor details to agree on yet, such as [refers to notes] the issue of the ‘Quite Carriage’, and public announcements.
Snr Exec 2: Quite. But not right now, old boy, eh? I do have a round of golf booked you know. We have spent almost thirty minutes on this, after all.
Snr Exec 1: Agreed. Meeting ended. This should give you plenty to work on I’d warrant, Thornly. I’ll get my PA to send out an invite to the follow up. Good day, gentlemen.
[All exit, except Thornton, who stares blankly at the closed door]