The curtain was abruptly pulled aside, and the doctor walked in. "Good afternoon," he said pleasantly, though at this stage I failed to detect any accent. I nodded, becoming quickly bored with all these doctors.
"I am Dr...." He continued, unperturbed by my lack of response, and I immediately forgot his name. "Now then," he perched himself on the side of the bed, looking sideways at me the way doctors do. "I understand you passed some blood when you sat on the toilet this morning?" He phrased this as a question, even though it was really a statement.
"Yes," I replied, somewhat embarrassed, as the doctor, my girlfriend, and the pretty young nurse watched me intently.
"I see," he continued immediately. "And I understand you`re in the army?"
"Yes," again, though this time warily. What did that have to do with anything?
"Any history of recent violence, to the stomach or back perhaps?"
"None," I returned, with an increasing level of boredom. I had answered all these questions several times before.
"Were you in the war?" He suddenly ventured.
"No, I was working with the United Nations at the time." Though why I told him this much I do not know.
"I was in the war." He announced proudly.
"Er, good." I replied, unsure of what else to say.
"Yes. I am an Iraqi." He paused for effect. "I was the enemy!"
"But that is passed now," and though he said it offhandedly, I wondered if it really was.
"So firstly," he continued, "I have to do a probe with this." He held up a finger, and I had to admit that things were not looking good. "And then I have a camera which I must use." My initial thoughts were that he would send photos to the British Embassy to blackmail me, but then he showed me the rigid probe with the camera on the end, and I realised things were worse than I had originally thought.
I would like to say that the story has a happy ending. It does, inasmuch that there was nothing physically wrong with me, but when I left the examination room, leaning heavily on the nurse, I would probably have to admit that had I known anything, and had the doctor asked me any questions, I would have told him all I knew. We are, after all, not all heroes.