The Picture In The Frame
I hadn`t talked to Him for ages now, but that had been the agreement we`d made anyway, so I couldn`t complain. Even so, I was looking forward to talking to Him. In fact, I was looking forward to talking!
I cast my mind back for the thousandth time, recalling how all this happened - not regretting or feeling any pity for myself, for, much to their annoyance, I felt no remorse to what I`d done.
I remembered Kelly coming round to my place to see me. I`d been speaking to Him then, the way I often do when things are quiet, so I was in a good mood; relaxed without the use of any illegal substance to induce such a state.
She was sheepish that day, Kelly was. I have always been very susceptive to such things, and I could tell she was going to say something that I wouldn`t like.
"Ian," she said, then paused. My pulse rose instantly and I could see in her face that she had acknowledged my reaction, and was frightened. She had good reason.
"I`m seeing someone!" She blurted out.
Reaction: Rage. Intense and extremely violent.
But somehow I managed to keep it all inside. She saw no more than a blink. Nothing could be done about this until I`d spoken to Him again, but I hoped he`d let me do what I wanted to.
"I see." That`s all she was going to get.
"He`s nice. You`ll like him, really you will."
"I might like him at first. I wont like him when he hurts you. They all hurt you."
"They don`t all hurt me Ian. Not at all."
"They leave you, and you get hurt. It`s always me that has to pick up the pieces."
She was exasperated, and I knew we were about to have another argument. Things always follow the same path. It`s Chaos Theory - It`s not my fault.
"They leave me because of you! I say you`ll get on with this one, Chris his name is, but the real reason I came here was to ask you to leave me alone for a while. Let us get to know each other before he meets you. I don`t want you upsetting things."
"Oh right. Embarrassed about me now eh? Want me to hide away so that you can pretend you never knew me? Bring me out later when he`s already hooked on you, or simply come round here for me to sort him out when he gets out of line like the rest!" I knew I was getting stressed and losing it. I needed to calm down - I hate learning later about what I`ve done when I`ve lost it that bad.
Anyway she left, crying. So that day it wasn`t me who picked up the pieces, and it turned out that it was me who hurt her. From having spoken to Him and being all at peace, to total Chaos within minutes. Things have a tendency to go like this every now and again. I don`t hold it against Him, but sometimes I get annoyed that He didn`t tell me beforehand.
He`s not God, or at least I don`t think he is. The reason I don`t think that is mainly because I don`t believe in God, so that sort of rules Him out of being Him, if you see what I mean. I once told a girl I knew that I talked to Him. She called me a lot of nasty names like "crazy", and that was the last I ever saw of her. I`ve also seen films and the like, where a person has had voices in his head and it turns out he`s schizophrenic, and that the voice is his inner conscience keeping him stable. Sometimes.
That was probably the closest thing I could liken Him to. Sometimes He let me do what I wanted, and sometimes He was the voice of reason. Just that much would mean that it could just be myself talking back. Except that there was more to it!
I forget all the evidence I continually tell myself I`ll build up, but one time particularly springs to mind. He had told me not to avenge the beating Kelly took from one of her ex`s. I chose to ignore the warning. Nothing happened for two days, but then He killed two friends I`d known since my school days. Maybe they shouldn`t have stolen that car and ridden around in it like that, but the way I see it, they had no choice. Karma! He made them do it, and He killed them to get back at me for ignoring Him. I laid low for quite a while after that. He was obviously very cross! Anyway, that`s proof!
So anyway, I spoke to Him again after Kelly left. I told Him what I wanted to do, and to my delight He agreed that it was better I sort it now, before she got hurt again.
In a way, it was funny that Kelly thought I wouldn`t have known before then. I mean, I knew she was friends with the guy. When I followed her, and watched over her the way I did, there was no way I couldn`t have known. But seeing him was something else.
I was pleased He`d said yes, but He added even more. He gave me ideas that I hadn`t thought of myself. Chris was a big guy. I`m only 5'8", and I knew that he was well over 6'2", and built like a body builder.
So He gave me the plan!
First stop, the pub. Dingy, horrible joint the "Dog and Duck", but always had the right clientele for what I had in mind. Firstly a few whiskeys, just to get things going. Skank walked in a little while later, and we made a quick deal in the toilets. A couple of lines of speed, and a heavy dose of PCP, and I was ready to do business.
Chris opened the door, and it was only surprise that allowed me to get past him so easily. I swore and cursed at him for a couple of minutes and he warned me off. After another couple of minutes he realised I meant business and he hit me. It was a massive punch, and I knew if it hadn`t been for all the drugs I might not have got up from it. As it was, he was amazed when I did. What with the PCP I didn`t feel a thing.
Things went like this for a while. He really laid into me for a good five minutes before I got bored with the game. He stood there, perplexed, staring at me, when I suddenly decided it was my turn, and kicked him massively in the bollocks. He fell, puking on the floor, and I took my revenge.
It was a mighty beating, slightly unfair as he had no illegal drugs in his system, but if Chris didn`t have the insight to be forewarned by Him, who was I to question the outcome?
Anyway, it turned out that maybe I was a little hard on the guy. He certainly had no sense of humour - especially for a policeman.
I got two years for it, what with being the first time anyone had actually gone through with getting me to court. That was when I agreed with Him that I wouldn`t speak with Him, or anyone else bar one person, for my entire sentence. But He did tell me how to be left entirely on my own - if I had the courage.
It was one of my first days there when one of the big guys came up to me.
"What`s going to stop me fucking you rigid in this joint boy?"
"I`m completely mad! The only thing I like better than pain to myself, is causing sadistic pain to others!"
"I can cause you unbelievable pain kid!" He tried.
"I can do better. Here, watch this!" I swiftly brought the cleaver I had obtained when I first turned up, down in a rapid motion. He jumped back, thinking he was under attack, but when he saw what I had done, the bloody stump of my little finger lying there, me staring at him uncaring, he backed carefully away.
They took me to the hospital, but even without speaking, I refused to have the finger sewn back on. It stood as the symbol of the pact I`d made with Him.
So they were the last words I`d spoken during my time there. No one came near me, and I stayed clear of everyone else too.
And I got released in a year and a half!
So, as a special surprise to Kelly, I decided to pay her a visit. She`d been to see me a few times during my spell inside, once just a few weeks ago. Naturally I hadn`t spoken to her either, though I had wanted to, and she left. She had no idea I was getting out early.
So I let myself in to her place. Nice and cosy at Kellys. I was dying to talk to Him, but I had really missed speaking to Kelly too, and there was nothing in the agreement that I had to speak to Him first.
To my disappointment she wasn`t in. I hadn`t expected anyone else to be here either. Kelly had told me that her and Chris had split up after his unfortunate medical discharge from work. I had been a bit rough on the guy.
I decide to look around the flat. Big mistake!
Maybe, and this is just a maybe, if I had talked to Him first, He would have warned me. But who knows.
A photo stood in a frame on the windowsill. Kelly and Chris together. At first I tried to make myself believe that it might have been before I paid him a visit. But I knew that was bollocks, because she had only recently died her hair like that - and Chris, well, what could I say?
Another of those blackouts I hate. The nice doctors here try to tell me what happened, but they know that every time I get on the subject I get all upset again, and they have to call for the big nurses.
All I remember is knocking on the door again. I could here him calling that he was coming, and when he awkwardly opened the door from his position in the wheelchair, I remember speaking to him.
"Hello Chris. I`m back. Still fucking my sister?"